Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Same Thoughts Again and Again

Can I unplug myself from the whole world and do what I want? But what do I want? Oh, I know, a little time for myself, just more time to accept everything, more time to take a deep breath and relax before I snap at whoever is there to listen. I don't need more time to know how I feel, I already know that, but won't you give me time to explain, time to understand, time to ask, time to forget. I'm not asking for time alone, did it sound like I wanted to be left alone? Perhaps I did, but I don't want to be left alone.... Hold on, i just said I know what I want, but I don't. And I just said I don't want to be left alone, but I do, and it's for your own sake. I just snapped at someone, it doesn't matter if they did anything wrong or not, I have a habit of blasting at people, and not just any people, only those who are close, because I know they'll take it from me, and I take advantage of that fact. So when I'm feeling down or depressed or even pissed, I prefer staying alone because it's not fair to give you a piece of my mind when you've done nothing wrong, and if you ask what's wrong, I won't be able to answer because I don't know what is wrong, so if I stay alone, you won't ask and I won't have to say I don't know, and I won't end up feeling guilty for letting it all out on you.
I fear you expect too much from me, I fear you take me for what I'm not, or is it that you know me better than I know myself most of the time?
I feel like you're punishing me for who I am, for what I think, for my flaws, for my weakness, for everything I'm not, I want to try and change whatever there is that needs to change, yet somewhere inside I'm perfectly comfortable the way I am, although I don't admit it that to anyone including myself, that's the reason I never even bother to try and change.
In the end, who am I referring to by 'you'? No one specific, at times 'you' referred to someone close, and at others it referred to people in general.