Saturday, February 24, 2007

a cool school day

believe it or not, it was fun. We had fun. or more likely I did have a lot of fun.
I woke up with a good mood and if you know me then you would know that what I feel when I wake up reflects the way I spend my day. although I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was out in the dawn walking on the high way. and there were people in a car with a yellow face man -don't ask- and then when I walked near them , the car started moving and I was running fast. and that was my nightmare and that nightmare didn't affect my mood -thank God- and so I was happy the whole day and making silly comments every where and actualy laughing at them -only me.
At school there was a celebration on the teacher's day -although I don't think it's today, but who cares?- so they were giving prizes to the teachers but the bad part is that we stood in the front so everything we did was noticable -meaning: no comments on the teachers we don't like- but though we clapped for the teachers we like and the ones that I didn't even know I clapped and said: who?
and my favourite teacher -who taught us two years ago- wasn't there and when they said her name, I wanted to scream and cheer for her, but I don't love her that much it's ok.
when the celebration took place, Noor noticed that all maths teachers wore the same thing, it was funny and cool, and very weird. Finally teachers in uniform.
and we didn't take our 1st period!
Then at our seventh period, we had maths and we were bored and we didn't want to be taught anything so we wanted to destract the teacher from our lesson and we tried in every way but we had our lesson and she gave us some questions to answer but some girls didn't know the answer so she siad:'how come you still don't know how to answer this, we took more than 70 practise questions on this' and because I was so bored I started counting and then Noor told me:stop. and I looked up and so some girls staring and laughing with me and one of them said: the teacher is mistaken with the number.
then we had our 2nd break and when we got back to our class we started talking about Saddam and I got so mad -in a good way, for me. I'm sure not for them- they like him and I have no idea why. He didn't do anything for them but they like him and they think he died in the name of islam and I had fun talking about this because I'm right and I know it, so I got my anger out in a healthy way -I think- and actualy convinced some girls that he's not GOOD.
so this my friends was my cool school day.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

stop asking those questions

Do you feel each other when you're not together? No
if one of you is sick will the other get sick too and feel each other's pain? well, because we're always together so we contage each other.
Who was born first? we don't know -the nurse who was supposed to number us forgot the little not important thing so it's all her fault-
Do you think about the same things? not necessarily
How is like having a twin sister? it's kinda cool but not so much! you have no privacy, you have no secrets, you cannot do stupid things and not be caught
I always wanted to have a twin sister? I'm sure you don't.
oh, is it that bad? not so much but it's not glamours. You get noticed everywhere. which is a bad thing.
Do you fight a lot? yes -but it's non of your business-
What will happen if you wanted to get married? we won't marry twin brothers!!!!!!!!
Who is smarter? both -but the truth is it's Noor-
You won't believe these facts about us:
we dream sometimes about the same people.
we say the same things always.
we are totally different.
oh really? -in not believing much in what we just said, like we care-
Does your family know who's Huda from Noor? -What a stupid question but we get that a lot- of course they do! almost 15 years with us.
How can you tell the difference? -we get that from the people who just met us- well, Huda's taller, Noor's thinner, Huda got a scar on her chin,..... -then we just say what the heck? they won't know who's Huda and who's Noor the next day-
Ever fooled people that you're Noor or her as in you? well, when we went to Iraq, we were at our aunt's house and people were coming to see us and mom was out, so we had to go and say hi and I didn't want to go, so Noor went to them twice -we were dressed in the same outfit- so they thought that they saw both of us and my aunt actually didn't find out until we told her -we didn't do that a lot, just few times-

guys, can't live with them! period.

It is globally known that I don't like guys at all! In fact, I don't stand them. There maybe various reasons for that, maybe all the guys I know are jerks, or maybe a guy did something to me and so I had that against all guys! I don't know. Because all of the reasons I mentioned don't apply on me! The reason doesn't matter now!
Guys seem to want me to keep that attitude against them because time after time I see guys doing horrible things, like yesterday a guy I kinda knew was with his 7-8 year old brother who just came back from school and he was hitting a girl who was older than him and his older brother was on a bike and he supported his brother and with his bike almost ran over that girl and she fighting back but against two boys, she had no chance, so as we watched that we knew we had to do something, so we went there and told her to walk away and leave them! I must say that this isn't what I wanted to do, I wanted to go after him and scream at him and .... and ..... but I was going home from school although I was so in the mood for it but I didn't want to make a scene so we got that girl and then walked home!
now that kinda guy who was supporting his young brother in doing so, what will that little kid be in the future? a horrible thought! I wish not to think of it because it's a chain and I don't want to give up that little hope on the guys left on this earth.
and just saying anything about a guy, he'll just assume that you like him or something like that even if what you said: you suck! but he'll say: oh I know you think about me all the time!
funny how that ego of some guys can be so wrong but they still keep it and use it everywhere like we have nothing to do except thinking about them!
I know that there can be good guys out there in this earth but I'm not going to apologise for what I have said and I'm not generalizing this on all guys but I'm sorry to say is that I don't like guys, and I'm sure a lot of guys while reading this will be devastated by this but this is the truth! I'm not sorry!

Friday, February 16, 2007

a funny day

I had something against eating out! I wasn't comfortable eating in front of strangers. My friends and my sister tried to convince me that it's ok! and I didn't care about what others thought of me but I don't know why I wasn't comfortable eating out! I used to eat with a tissue covering my whole mouth and tried to eat slowly and if someone was staring or just looking at me then I would stop eating for a moment! but then I don't care anymore how I eat when I'm out, so I it's ok eating out now! and the other day I was eating and there was someone staring -not at me I'm sure- at the sandwich I was eating, so I got a little uncomfortable and wished if he would find something else to stare at and leave me enjoy my sandwich, then finally he grabbed his mobile and stopped staring and I got back to my sandwich but I wondered what have I done to make someone stare at me, I wasn't doing anything crazy. But there was this women who was screaming -not screaming but talking VERY LOUD- so I couldn't help but to stare at her and left everything else but then her husband noticed that I was staring so I stopped staring, so maybe this is why someone stared at me because I stared -for a long time- at someone else.
and I must mention that before I got my order I pointed at my sister and someone else thought I was pointing at him but then somehow -thank God- he got that I was pointing at the one behind him. and my other sister some time later pointed at me and I got up and went there but someone was with us and thought she was pointing at her so she also went and that time was full of mistakes! -I'll spare you-
and at the way home we all were going through some situation but Noor seemed to have it more than anyone of us! and I kept laughing and laughing and couldn't stop and my dad was making it more hard to stop laughing by making funny comments and Noor kept saying: please stop laughing. and then she would laugh with me. After every 5 minutes I'd remember it and laugh and when we arrived I couldn't help but to laugh loud and Noor.........
I can't mention the situation we had because it would be really improper.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

stupid lines from songs

Although I don’t correct things and if there was a mistake somewhere I wouldn’t correct it. But if something was wrong, I’d say it out loud even if though I may not say it to the person who did that thing.
So here are some of the things that I consider really wrong in some of the songs:
1- ‘I was born to make you happy’ a song by Britney Spears and by that name I can tell you what’s wrong –and I have listened to the song–.
You were born to make someone happy? How silly is that? You’re purpose in life is to make that person you love happy? And you weren’t born to make a difference in someone’s life or you weren’t born to just live your life and enjoy it. I know that may sound selfish but it’s not, you weren’t born for someone else.
I have always wondered why I’m here in life and I was still wondering but now I found the whole reason of me being on this planet which is to make ‘you’ happy.

2- ‘Goodbye my lover’ a song by James Blunt.
And this time it’s not the name, it’s the part where he says: ‘shared your dreams, shared your bed’! how can someone share your dreams! Aren’t we all supposed to have our own dreams and ‘everyone share their dreams’? well, maybe you can do that! But I don’t know how! And ‘shared your bed’ I’m sorry to say this but it’s just sick! I know it’s a song but first of all: there’s no point of saying that. Second of all: the line is so stupid. Third of all: we are so better off not knowing that!

3- ‘ahla haga fiki’ a song by Mohammed Hamakey.
The part I don’t like is: ‘inshallah amot fi howaky inshallah’ (meaning: inshallah I’ll die in your love) do you really want to die in someone’s love? You know this is also just a song but death isn’t that easy! You can’t just wish that you’ll die in someone’s love! Actually the song isn’t that he’s wishing to die but it’s that if he dies, he wants to die in her love. But still it’s stupid. And to us Muslims, you can’t just say that! And I’m sure he doesn’t really want that! Cause if someone asked him about that he’ll immediately say: ‘No, of course not. It’s just a song. And of course I want to die surrounded by the people I love…… but you know, death is a very sad subject to talk about. Let’s change the subject’ or something like that.
So how can you sing a song that you don’t mean anything in it?

4- ‘If everyone cared’ a song by Nickelback.
It’s ‘if everyone shared and swallowed their pride’ I don’t get it. If someone is humiliated, so he/she should just move on and suck it up and continue like nothing happened! Of course not, they should stand up for themselves because no one has any right to humiliate anyone and by moving on and saying nothing when someone humiliates you, you’d be giving them all the right to humiliate you!
And pride is one of the things that are so important to me in life –I’m sure to others too– so I won’t swallow my pride! NEVER!

Now I’m sure there’s a lot of stupid songs in this world! But I’m mentioning those lines because all the songs that I mentioned aren’t supposed to be stupid!

Friday, February 9, 2007

Little kids

A small girl was staring at something and she was standing close to me and I was with a friend and my sister. And they knew how I feel about little kids so they knew I was going to freak her out. They tried to talk me out of it but they let me and wanted to know what I was going to do. I looked at the little girl and caught her intention. I said to her: 'come here' with a smile and I expected the same reaction from her as all little kids have but she surprised me and she laughed and nodded with her head and turned the other way and left. I was shocked, I thought she'd have the confused look on her face and leave right away. but she didn't have that. she mocked me. and she's about 4-5 years old but she did a very smart thing to me and I was impressed.

I guess now not all little kids can be fooled. They are few genius ones that you know they'll be something in the future. This little girl will be a great person I'm sure. I have never laughed when someone mocked me neither did I ever enjoyed someone mocking me. But she was wicked.

I remember once at school, I saw group of 10-11 years old girls sitting together, so I went to them and I asked them questions: what's your name? In which class are you? and so on. They were looking at each other and they were giggling and my class mates saw me and they were watching from upstairs and laughing and making comments, then I had enough with those little girls so I said good-bye and returned to my class.

in every time when I'm around little children can't help but keep wondering: will life make them go through the hard way? the way that we all walked through and we're still walking, wondering what life has in stores for us.

and will life give them its pleasures, or will it just keep them in misery?
sometimes I want to warn them about life and that you can never expect the things that are hidden for you, but I don't think that they will understand and I don't think that they deserve to be warned, they just need to worry about nothing and live their simple short life until that simplicity goes away and then life changes its way with them.

although I cannot stand little kids but their innocence gets into me every time and they're absolutely irresponsible about everything that is going in their lives.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

just a minute

Iraqi people came over and at first I wasn't too happy about it and then they came and actually it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. mom and two other ladies talked together and my sisters and two other girls also talked together. and I was the listener of the old ladies talk. They talked about the situation in Iraq and how it was in the old days and then I found myself wishing for a minute in Iraq, just to breathe that air again and just get the feeling of being at home again! I was sure that a minute won't do but I was just asking for a minute. I wouldn't be like one of those addictive people who say when they want to quit something: ''just a little bit to get me through this''. No, a minute would be enough. I just want to know how it's like to be home.and then, I got to reality and those old ladies kept talking and they reached the ugly part of their conversation which is the situation of Iraq now. I wanted to go away. I didn't want to hear anymore. I just wanted to dream about that one minute in my home.But I couldn't get away and I also couldn't talk with the girls because they were away and two things were left to do: whether I'd listen to them or I'd watch that silly show that I don't even know the name of it. so I chose to listen to them. and they kept talking and talking and then they started telling stories about how cruel the situation was. and here is a story that a lady told us:A family had a very good guy and he was doing his PG. and so one of the gangs in there kidnapped him and told his family that they want 5000 dollar. They usually ask for more but I don't why it was just 5000 but still it's a big number for Iraqi families who -God knows- if someone was working in this family. and then they somehow gathered that money and then the gang -or should I say terrorists- called them back and told them if they don't pay then they'll find their son in the rubbish behind their town. So they went at the place that the gang chose and gave them money but they -of course- didn't give them their son back. They threw it at a rubbish after they beated him and a poor man who was searching to find if there was anything in that rubbish, so he found that guy and he was still breathing. So he took him to the hospital and they treated him but meanwhile his family gave up and they believed that he was dead.So after he recovered he called his family and they got him. but the tricky part is that he knew who kidnapped him, it was their neighbours because two men took him and they didn't hide their faces. So that family directly moved from their house and that guy went to Saudi Arabia.So then I didn't know what I felt anymore. I truly believed that the situation cannot be worse than this but I'm still holding on that wish. Just a minute anywhere in Iraq.I just want to feel for a minute that I'm where I belong and I'm free. and I want to feel like I'm safe there even though I cannot feel that with all what's going on there. but what I mean is being safe as in this is my place I have every right to be here.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

smiley faces

I opened my photo album, wanting a glimpse at the past. So by turning a page after page I noticed all the photos had smiley faces, there was: a crying smile, a happy smile, a simple smile, a sad smile, a cheesy smile, a silly smile, and all different kind of smiles.
And I kept turning pages and I kept seeing smiles, it became ridicules. Because I thought where are the real life expressions but then I found out –don't know how– that this was an album nothing more, not a life. So whenever someone takes a photo they smile, it became a style.
I also wondered what if I was sad, I would have to put a smile on, not because I have to, no. but because I want to see myself later, I'd rather see myself smiling.
So it doesn't really mean that I'm happy whenever I smile. And it also doesn't necessarily have to mean that I'm sad whenever I cry.
I cry sometimes out of joy, sadness, disappointment, and sometimes for no reason. So I can't assume that someone is happy just because a smile is always on on their faces.
When I was younger I wondered how can people smile when they're hurt, but after some years of life I began to understand how people do that and I found two reasons why they do that: whether they don't want people to worry about their problems –which I admire them but sometimes they need to show what they feel– or they just want to be mysterious –which I don't understand that desire–
What I feel at any moment always appear, if I want it or not, I can't hide what I feel –could be a bless, and could be a curse– and what I want to say at any moment comes out of my mouth without thinking. Yes, regret is always there. But if I should waste time by regretting then I wouldn't still have my nails on my fingers.
So I am what I am. And I don't always have that motto in life, it comes and goes.
And when I finished the album I was looking at, I found some embarrassing, some silly, some fun photos. And I remember a lot of things I almost forgot.
So now whenever I take a photo, I'd smile any kind of smile, just a smile that's what matters. And look at the camera and worry about nothing and with hope that it turns out to be a good photo.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Here I am

Here I am! Alone sitting in my room, to be precise in my bed –where I haven’t slept nor sat on it in more than 2 days! It is giving me the courage to write and it somehow makes me believe in myself! Oh, how many times I have sat here and did everything, I wrote here -some great things came out of me in here-, I thought about everything and made a lot of decisions in here, I had m happiest and saddest moments in here, laughed, cried and did all of the things in here!
So to my bed, you were really an inspiration for me.
I have to say even though I did spend my best times in here but it is only because I had no place else. I wish I had spent it somewhere else with the same bed. No, I would never give it up unless I had to, and I think that time will come, but no worries cause I have memories in here and if I leave any place by memories then it doesn’t matter if I never come back to it again, because memories live with you no matter where you go.

Here I am! Listening to one of the things that I truly love. It gets me every time I know what it means but not everything in it except when I go to its lyrics! It’s in Hindi ‘Tere bin’. It is one of my favourites. I think it will always be! Cause the song you like, you get over them most of the them. But if the song is so good and you don’t listen to it always. And you have to have a mood to listen to it, then be sure it’s for all times. So thank who ever wrote the lyrics and composed it and to Atif and to the production company and to everyone participated in it! And I cannot forget, my dear friend who introduced me to it!

Here I am! Wearing my bracelets that are always in my hand –I rarely take them off–, I bought them from different places and now they seem best friends. I find that there’s something missing when I don’t wear them. It’s so weird how I can commit to things easily but so difficultly to people. I wear two bracelets on each hand. On the right hand: white and yellow with ‘live strong’ mark. And on the left hand: green and yellow, they used to have ‘friendship’ on them but because I’m wearing them on the daily, so the writings faded. So you must think ‘why is she saying that?’ but this is all because I want to give them their rights by mentioning them in here. And I got say that they mean a lot, and I attend to keep them as long as I live.

Here I am! Wearing my earrings that are always in my ears! I love them. They’re a present from my parents on my birthday. And I have a picture of my mom putting it in my ears. I have them from 6 years ago. And they are so dear to me. Whenever I touch my ears and feel that they’re there. I don’t know! But I feel satisfied and when I take them off and wear another earrings! I can’t wait to take them off and put my old ones. So I really admire them for keeping up with me all this time and they’ll always be with me even if I didn’t wear them.

Here I am! Reminiscing all the nights I slept holding my teady bear. And I think he’s one of my best friends. He knows all about me. He was a gift from my sister on the same birthday that I got my earrings and I also have a picture holding it for the first time. So thank you teady bear for living with me all these years and I think you wouldn’t mind living some more years with me. You’re really special to me! And no I’m not crazy! I’m sure everyone has their special dear things to them and I’m not ashamed of saying what are they and what they mean to me.

Here I am! Thinking about my dear pencil which I took from my father. I love writing with it. And I feel like I can write whatever I want with it. I have written almost all of my poems with it and it’s still there. Whenever I feel like writing, I just grab it and take a paper and write whatever I feel like writing. So the credit goes to this pencil for me writing my things. without it I don’t think that I would have written at all or keep writing, so thank you my pencil and I’ll never give you up. And I’m still not crazy.

Here I am! With my best friend sitting with me! She might talk nonsense and she might gets my horns out –and that’s just an expression of being really anger– and she might do all the things that I don’t like! But she’s my best friend in this whole world, not because I only know her, no, I know a lot but no one understands me like she does. She sometimes say: ‘you feel like….. right?’ and I didn’t know what was going on with me and I say ‘right’ and she surprises me a lot because I sometimes think that she knows me more than I know my self. So my best friend enjoy the moment! And I love you like I love myself.

Here I am, sitting by myself again. Thinking that I have mentioned only few things who came to my mind and I thought to appreciate them here. But I didn’t forget all the things that I appreciate in life but if pages were the sand in the deserts and if words were like the rain then I’d make it rain always on the desert and sit there and put words and sand together and I’ll do it over and over again and still I wouldn’t write enough about everything. So to everything that had happened to me and is happening to me now I just want you to know that I don’t forget what had made me who I am. And to all the people who are/were in my life I just want to thank you even if you did no good to me but I thank you because I never forget who make me know more about myself.
So I’d like to end this with this line:
‘How can I … and how can I be
When I’m just a person
and you’re just how do you expect me to bewhen you're not feeling me.... ’

I must admit that I didn't forget a special friend of mine! or should I say was a friend of mine!Thank you my friend for hurting me, for making me feel like the world revolves around you, for every tear I cried because of you, for lying for your sake, for making me believe that you were guilty from everything that was happening to you, for making me feel worthless, for making me do things that I wouldn't do and you actualy made me feel like they were ok to do them, for making me give up on things that I believe in, for and for. I'm not dissing you on the internet. no I wouldn't do such thing. I have been a good friend to you, you said that I'm one of the best friends you had and you made me feel commited to you. I'm writing this because no one excpet one will know whom I'm talking about. and my friend won't read it. I'm sure she won't because she's not in my life anymore. so thank you my friend for all of the things you have done to me and I wish to you all the best in life even though this wish isn't from my heart but as long as you mean nothing to me, so I shall be sad no more. you're gone and for good.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

It's a good Life

I went through my life –not went but remembered- and searched through the memories I have, you might think that -according to my age- the things I have been through whether they’re not much or they’re silly! And believe me when I say you’re wrong! It always surprise me that every person on this earth has secretes, problems, burdens, ects.
And I always get surprised by how dark they all can be! Even though I have that but it’s not like that! I have been through a lot but there’s a lot ahead, there’s a lot on the journey of life!
God created a lot of great things on this earth but nothing surprise me and shocks me more that human being! So strong and so weak, so hard and so easy, so tough and so gentle, so fine and so ugly, so good and so bad, so and so,…
Just walking in a street and just passing people by -it only takes a minute to forget all the things we’ve been through by just thinking of people and what everyone is going through- makes life so wonderful and makes you feel so overwhelmed. And here I cannot help but to mention a line from a great song: ''we’ve never been so many and we’ve never been so alone"
And you think and think about others and their lives and everything that comes with that! You find yourself thinking from something to another without realizing.
And then you go back to your life. With everything you’ve been through and how did your life treated you. You find that all of that doesn’t matter because it’s your life and I’m sure if I’d be given the option of having another life but I’m sure I wouldn’t do it! I’d choose my life even if I could live a life that is the best life someone could ever have! But not me! Because being in my life makes me me! If I lived another life then I wouldn’t be me! I would be someone who just changed and have nothing to live for! Ok I have nothing to live for, no one to live for! But I have me! I’ll always have me! It’s the only one I’ll never lose!
You might think what she’s talking about? Is she crazy? But not when you’re reading! No! you’ll relate to this when you will! it comes and goes! It makes you respect your life for a change!
Just ask your self a question ‘is my life worth all that it made me go through?’
And I find myself wanting some more of those weird, embarrassing, strange, funny moments that life brings! Everyday comes with a surprise and ends with one! Remember everyday! Maybe you’ll be like what she’s talking about? Again! But if you really remember what happened and look closely!! You’ll find them! At least when I look closely and remember and my eyes go like: would you give us a rest?
But that also doesn’t happen everyday! But it does once in awhile!
So I’m enjoying the time of respecting my life! And after awhile! Probably when I wake up in the morning I’d lose the respect I have! And back to normal!
So maybe I’m a freak at the moment but I’m sure now hundred of people feel the same way! But the weird thing is that nothing happened today, well, a lot happened but non of them was able to give me all that! But I need to look closely to what happened today and stare more and find out what happened! It may not had happened to me but happened to someone around and made me like this! So thank you the-respect-giving-to-life person for doing your deed for the day!
So now life enjoy I’m respecting you!
‘forget your past and your future and live the day’ so do it when you feel like it and get off the road and worry no more!