Here I am

Here I am! Alone sitting in my room, to be precise in my bed –where I haven’t slept nor sat on it in more than 2 days! It is giving me the courage to write and it somehow makes me believe in myself! Oh, how many times I have sat here and did everything, I wrote here -some great things came out of me in here-, I thought about everything and made a lot of decisions in here, I had m happiest and saddest moments in here, laughed, cried and did all of the things in here!
So to my bed, you were really an inspiration for me.
I have to say even though I did spend my best times in here but it is only because I had no place else. I wish I had spent it somewhere else with the same bed. No, I would never give it up unless I had to, and I think that time will come, but no worries cause I have memories in here and if I leave any place by memories then it doesn’t matter if I never come back to it again, because memories live with you no matter where you go.

Here I am! Listening to one of the things that I truly love. It gets me every time I know what it means but not everything in it except when I go to its lyrics! It’s in Hindi ‘Tere bin’. It is one of my favourites. I think it will always be! Cause the song you like, you get over them most of the them. But if the song is so good and you don’t listen to it always. And you have to have a mood to listen to it, then be sure it’s for all times. So thank who ever wrote the lyrics and composed it and to Atif and to the production company and to everyone participated in it! And I cannot forget, my dear friend who introduced me to it!

Here I am! Wearing my bracelets that are always in my hand –I rarely take them off–, I bought them from different places and now they seem best friends. I find that there’s something missing when I don’t wear them. It’s so weird how I can commit to things easily but so difficultly to people. I wear two bracelets on each hand. On the right hand: white and yellow with ‘live strong’ mark. And on the left hand: green and yellow, they used to have ‘friendship’ on them but because I’m wearing them on the daily, so the writings faded. So you must think ‘why is she saying that?’ but this is all because I want to give them their rights by mentioning them in here. And I got say that they mean a lot, and I attend to keep them as long as I live.

Here I am! Wearing my earrings that are always in my ears! I love them. They’re a present from my parents on my birthday. And I have a picture of my mom putting it in my ears. I have them from 6 years ago. And they are so dear to me. Whenever I touch my ears and feel that they’re there. I don’t know! But I feel satisfied and when I take them off and wear another earrings! I can’t wait to take them off and put my old ones. So I really admire them for keeping up with me all this time and they’ll always be with me even if I didn’t wear them.

Here I am! Reminiscing all the nights I slept holding my teady bear. And I think he’s one of my best friends. He knows all about me. He was a gift from my sister on the same birthday that I got my earrings and I also have a picture holding it for the first time. So thank you teady bear for living with me all these years and I think you wouldn’t mind living some more years with me. You’re really special to me! And no I’m not crazy! I’m sure everyone has their special dear things to them and I’m not ashamed of saying what are they and what they mean to me.

Here I am! Thinking about my dear pencil which I took from my father. I love writing with it. And I feel like I can write whatever I want with it. I have written almost all of my poems with it and it’s still there. Whenever I feel like writing, I just grab it and take a paper and write whatever I feel like writing. So the credit goes to this pencil for me writing my things. without it I don’t think that I would have written at all or keep writing, so thank you my pencil and I’ll never give you up. And I’m still not crazy.

Here I am! With my best friend sitting with me! She might talk nonsense and she might gets my horns out –and that’s just an expression of being really anger– and she might do all the things that I don’t like! But she’s my best friend in this whole world, not because I only know her, no, I know a lot but no one understands me like she does. She sometimes say: ‘you feel like….. right?’ and I didn’t know what was going on with me and I say ‘right’ and she surprises me a lot because I sometimes think that she knows me more than I know my self. So my best friend enjoy the moment! And I love you like I love myself.

Here I am, sitting by myself again. Thinking that I have mentioned only few things who came to my mind and I thought to appreciate them here. But I didn’t forget all the things that I appreciate in life but if pages were the sand in the deserts and if words were like the rain then I’d make it rain always on the desert and sit there and put words and sand together and I’ll do it over and over again and still I wouldn’t write enough about everything. So to everything that had happened to me and is happening to me now I just want you to know that I don’t forget what had made me who I am. And to all the people who are/were in my life I just want to thank you even if you did no good to me but I thank you because I never forget who make me know more about myself.
So I’d like to end this with this line:
‘How can I … and how can I be
When I’m just a person
and you’re just great...so how do you expect me to bewhen you're not feeling me.... ’

I must admit that I didn't forget a special friend of mine! or should I say was a friend of mine!Thank you my friend for hurting me, for making me feel like the world revolves around you, for every tear I cried because of you, for lying for your sake, for making me believe that you were guilty from everything that was happening to you, for making me feel worthless, for making me do things that I wouldn't do and you actualy made me feel like they were ok to do them, for making me give up on things that I believe in, for and for. I'm not dissing you on the internet. no I wouldn't do such thing. I have been a good friend to you, you said that I'm one of the best friends you had and you made me feel commited to you. I'm writing this because no one excpet one will know whom I'm talking about. and my friend won't read it. I'm sure she won't because she's not in my life anymore. so thank you my friend for all of the things you have done to me and I wish to you all the best in life even though this wish isn't from my heart but as long as you mean nothing to me, so I shall be sad no more. you're gone and for good.