letting it out

This is not a comfortable place right now. It may be my enemy.. I no longer type these words easily as I did before. but did I really wrote blogs easily in the past?
I'm talking like I have been writing in here since ages... I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about.
this blog may be my enemy?? What a line!!!! It's non-sense. and it sounded like it's coming out from a crazy person whom doesn't know anything at this moment.
I have learned or promised myself that I wouldn't write in here when I'm down or mad or feeling blue, so regrets won't take place in me. I have enough regrets in this life.
So why I'm breaking my promise this time -it is obvious that I'm feeling blue- ??
well, I'm not going to write about why I'm feeling blue? neither am I going to write about what's bothering me or what happened?
It's just a wish to type 'I'm not feeling good at this moment' and tell the truth for the first time in this day.
When people ask how are you? I would say: not bad, good, I'm the same, ...
I don't say I'm great or I'm sad, feeling blue.
It's just no use of saying that to other people, they already have tonnes of problems and you need not worry them about matters that will go away.
So still why am I saying all of this if I don't want to upset anyone? I'm not going to upset anyone because after saying this I'll feel better. so you don't need to worry about me.
I'm doing much better now... as I'm writing this now.
Now I'm done with this for now, I let it out and I'm good....
thanks for listening -or should I say reading-

(not) my love life to come

My real love fairy tale that's going to happen to me. -that I believe it's going to happen to me-
After a lot of years waiting and dreaming about my perfect man for me....
He'll come and my perfect man will be him, I'll fit him in that category.
I'll love him truly and he'll know my deep love for him, then I don't know what will happen, whether he'll love me back or not. But that's not important because he'll know that I love him.
I may differ with people when they tell me that you'll love someone and you'll hurt a lot, and you'll love the wrong person. But here, he can't be the wrong person, because he's going to be perfect for me.
and after sometime, he'll love me or he won't, it's never going to be the problem.
but you may ask why? and you have every right to ask, why I'm not making it a big deal for someone I love, that he doesn't love me?
So why? I'm going to make the confused look go away, but I won't promise that your next look will be good. I'm sorry that I won't put a smile on your face, but it's reality.
I'm being like the someone wants to tell you something and keeps saying reasons and facts and excuses before telling you what it is.
please don't hate me but I'm not making you wait for the happy news or the good news...
ok, it's time to tell you what will happen with me....
if he loves me or not won't matter, because even if he did, something will come up in our way, and will destroy our plans that we made together if we made ones.
It may be our families, money, traditions, maybe even religion. Who knows? but something will make all of our plans, but that's if he loved me. Because if he didn't then we won't have plans.
and in both ways, this following will happen...
A guy will come and I'll marry him, he won't be very charming, neither he will be what I have dreamt of years back, because whom I have dreamt of went away for reasons I have mentioned earlier.
and I will live my life and try to be happy.
*************
Now, I'm not saying that this will happen to me, -God,NO- but I like the thought of this, not like but I enjoy thinking like this.... It sounds like a drama soap.....
I know God have better plans for me.... but those aren't my plans for myself because such plans cannot be planned for, they just happen and I hope that this won't happen to me...

an unofficial 15

I'm not 15 yet, although it's a matter of days and I'll be 15. so now if I kept saying now: I'm 14. and then at 17/3 I'll say: I'm 15. amazing how only few days can be counted as a year. but I believe that it's not those few days who turned me into 15. it's by the things that made me 15. from now I'm saying that I'm 15 because I feel like it. although I have Noor saying: We're 14, stop saying we're 15. But I believe that I am 15, that age which I'm no longer considered a kiddo or considered at my early teenage life. I'm a true teenager now -or I like to think that I am-.
I hope I'm making sense or at least I'm going to make sense. I hope I'm not like the song that I was listening to, but the problem wasn't with the song, it was with the program, so it was like: In My, my my my dream, there's there's only you you you no...." and I gave up hope on it and closed it, so a true prayer that this isn't like the song I listened to.
I already feel I'm 15, talk, walk, eat, sleep, do everything like someone who's been in this life for 15 years.
15 is like any year you become, but it's different in what you want to do, learn in this year. How am I going to be 15 or acting like one? nothing new or different, it's the way you see the world and the way you react which is the only different thing that changes from one year to another.
It is I who is going to decide all those things, it's I who will be living as a 15 years old girl who have been through more than she should go through but still she'll living and she has some respect left for this life. That some respect may go away through these years that are left for me to live.
I'm not being pessimist but it's the truth and nothing but the truth.
In this new chapter of my life which isn't a chapter because being in the same place, doing the same things, make me in the same chapter I was in, so I shouldn't say a new 'chapter' but it is a new 'way' of seeing things.
I'm muture, I should keep reminding myself that I am at some extent, muture, but I seem to forget that fact and then a lot of nasty things follow...
'Life still unseen' not true. 'Life still uncovered' half true. No life will be complete, we'll all try to do so, even though we all know we're not going to complete it but it's if you try or not that counts not if you achieve what you've tried to do.
So I'm at the door waiting for 15 to arrive, although I feel like it's already here. But it might only take few days until it arrives and I can say: I'm 15. and I mean it more than I do now.
'An end is a start for a new beggining'.... so long 14 and hello 15...

DON'T

If you have lived around me for a time, you'd know that I have this habit of blaming everyone around me, even though sometimes it can be my fault but I blame anyone for anything.
so here I have some people to blame. They are all the people who live with me and around me and all the people I know and I blame all the things that are around me.
so now I blamed who I need to blame but still I haven't said what I blame them for:
Inspiration, it left me without coming back to me. So you must think that I should blame 'Inspiration' for it but let me explain:
I'm inspired by things that don't happen, I'm inspired by people I haven't met, by books I haven't read, by words that haven't been said.
So therefore I need people to keep quite, I need my life to be empty for a while so I can have that inspiration.
People, don't come to me anymore, don't talk with me, don't and don't.
Words, don't enter my head, don't let me say you, don't and don't.
Books, don't let me read you, don't let me understand you, don't and don't.
You, don't comment on this.
It is not me who lead people, I may have said things that might sound controlling, but life taught me to be led more than to lead. So I just took that chance to blame and boss things/people around.
I have enjoyed it and there you go, I'm done.