Same Thoughts Again and Again

Can I unplug myself from the whole world and do what I want? But what do I want? Oh, I know, a little time for myself, just more time to accept everything, more time to take a deep breath and relax before I snap at whoever is there to listen. I don't need more time to know how I feel, I already know that, but won't you give me time to explain, time to understand, time to ask, time to forget. I'm not asking for time alone, did it sound like I wanted to be left alone? Perhaps I did, but I don't want to be left alone.... Hold on, i just said I know what I want, but I don't. And I just said I don't want to be left alone, but I do, and it's for your own sake. I just snapped at someone, it doesn't matter if they did anything wrong or not, I have a habit of blasting at people, and not just any people, only those who are close, because I know they'll take it from me, and I take advantage of that fact. So when I'm feeling down or depressed or even pissed, I prefer staying alone because it's not fair to give you a piece of my mind when you've done nothing wrong, and if you ask what's wrong, I won't be able to answer because I don't know what is wrong, so if I stay alone, you won't ask and I won't have to say I don't know, and I won't end up feeling guilty for letting it all out on you.
________
I fear you expect too much from me, I fear you take me for what I'm not, or is it that you know me better than I know myself most of the time?
I feel like you're punishing me for who I am, for what I think, for my flaws, for my weakness, for everything I'm not, I want to try and change whatever there is that needs to change, yet somewhere inside I'm perfectly comfortable the way I am, although I don't admit it that to anyone including myself, that's the reason I never even bother to try and change.
In the end, who am I referring to by 'you'? No one specific, at times 'you' referred to someone close, and at others it referred to people in general.

Ironic!

Arabic tv channels are all willing to broadcast the royal wedding but how many are broadcasting what's happening in Libya, Syria, Yemen, and other countries?
Arabs are all tuned in to Barcelona and Real Madrid football matches, yet how many are watching the news? And what am I watching? Neither!

Distance

Life knows how to put us in tough situations, we're very capable of doing that ourselves, but life has to put us in more. You move from one place to another and leave many behind. Others leave and leave you behind. Do we blame the distance for making us drift apart? Is it an excuse that we're too busy? Sometimes we do reach out but don't find enough encouragement therefore we stop reaching out. However we don't always reach out, it's always in the beginning when a friend leaves to another place that you and them talk, but after that something happens and you both lose every connection you had with each other. Weren't you close enough? Or have you found other friends who are there and got occupied with them? It's never the distance, it's just us preferring what's close to us, it's much easier this way. Perhaps that you've had your friend near you and then they leave and it's no longer satisfying just texting or chatting online. Those things suck every emotion of every word, or so it seems. But if you're attentive enough and you care then connections won't be lost.
However the previous points are not general rules, it depends on many things. What does it depend on? Not very important as long as all lead to people drifting apart, but again not all people. Some connections will never be lost because some are attentive enough and they care so distance is nothing to stop you from reaching out.
So what if life presents such a situation? All my life, it's been this way. And I think perhaps it's me that sometimes is to blame. I no longer get very close to people, because in the back of my mind, they'll leave and move to another place, or the very simple fact that this place where I am is not where I'm going to be.
But I'm here, the very fact that I wish I was there doesn't diminish the fact that I'm here and it doesn't mean that I won't reach out because I'm here, I'll reach out and expect disappointments but I cannot stop reaching out, I simply cannot. For those who've left and got busy with their lives, well I got busy with mine, and I'm to blame as much as they are.

A start

I blame everything for everything. Also I'm very good at finding excuses, at least I'm convinced by them. I know I sound like I'm stating those things as facts but I'm aware now more than ever of this, therefore I'm trying my best to at least be self-conscious about it.
Life goes on and never gives you a break, what's new about that? When did it stop for us? When did it wait til we catch up? Perhaps I sound frustrated, but it's not the way I attend to sound anymore. If I didn't know that I tend to blame and find excuses for everything, then I'd go on doing it without noticing. But I know I'm like this, I've known it for a long time, yet did I do anything about it?
Will this wake up call only last me a few days and then I'll just forget about every plan I've made to reconnect and start to change myself for the better? Only time can answer that, but here and now is my start.